Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I hope we can still be friends

It's amazing. I could've almost written the speech for her. I knew what was coming; for the most part.
Right up to the traditional "still be friends line."
Only she spun it a little bit differently.
"I really like having you as my friend. And don't want that to end."
Some flattery to soften the blow. Tell me that I am special to her, to make the pain of rejection a little lest severe.
As if.
Three months. THREE MONTHS of shit and a one-sided love affair and she expects me to just smile and pretend that everything is ok.
Why?
So she doesn't have to feel so guilty? Is that it?
Is that why they do that?
As if we want some kind of consolation prize?

How can someone be so insensitive as to use a line so trite and cliche'?
You know perfectly well, we cannot be friends!
We don't want to be friends. We want to be lovers. We want you to give to us what we have so willingly handed over.
To go back to being friends is IMPOSSIBLE.
Once you cross that line, there is no turning back. There is no return.

I have to heal. I'm hurt. I'm hurt in ways I never knew were possible.
My whole world has collapsed.
There is no more sunshine.
The last thing I can possibly handle right now is her presence. I cannot even think about her without panic passing over me.

We were never just friends. I wanted her. I always wanted her. I can still remember the first time I saw her. I had to have her. I didn't know why. Instinct. I had to be with her. I was never interested in just being friends. I always wanted more. We were never just friends.

How selfish. How selfish to ask that someone who has given you so much and asked for nothing in return, be willing to lay his heart aside and pretend to not be broken up inside, just so you can have what you desire. Or so you can feel better about yourself.

Not every relationship was meant to last forever. Every one of them is a gamble. But when they are over, they are over. We tried. It failed. There is no blame. It isn't anyone's fault. It simply didn't work out. Why can't that be the end of it?
It pains me to think I will never again enjoy a smoothie, a sandwich or fall asleep watching a movie with her. But I have to get over her. I can't just wait for one of us to move away or something rediculous such as that. It hurts too much. I respect myself too much.

I remember my response. I told her "we can't always get what we want."
Inside I was screaming "are you insane?" I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to shout and scream and cry. But what good would have come of it? None.
She wanted to avoid drama. I spared her the drama.
It was a very diplomatic breakup.
Now I am left with nothing but a permanent reminder, splayed across the west wall of my living room.

9 Comments:

Blogger Brillig said...

Sympathy my friend, sympathy. I realize that anything I say will be overshadowed, heavily, by your grief, but let me just say this. All things are finite. Be it as simple as enjoying an icecream cone to things as complex as a love afair. And, while you may be concentrating on your pain right now I must asure you that this rule also aplies to depressing feelings as well. Consider the lillies of the field. There are broader issues in your life than just this. I'm not suggesting that you should feel better now; no you SHOULD hurt for that is a part of life like anything else but the hurt will subside and who knows maybe some day you will be able to comply with her wishes...though I doubt it. I have never remained friends with any girl I was romanticaly involved with.
C'mon down if you need to get outta town for a few days.

11:32 AM  
Blogger LJ said...

Ah Courtney, I almost cried reading that... and I'm at work. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I second Mark's invitation if you want to get away for a few days. It'll get better, but chin up - your friends love you.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Brillig said...

Define love...

7:02 AM  
Anonymous Butler said...

Don't know what you are going through CD, but we've all been there and I've seen you go through somthing wimilar before. Remember your friends will always be there for you and if you need just do like we did in college at the FORT, find a young piece and work out your stress and anger on that.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Brian said...

Or you could just make out with me when I try to get up there this month. :)

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Rob said...

I enjoy reading through your blog. By the way, if you are interested in talking about a link exchange with me at http://best-kid-games-online.com, please let me know.

8:58 PM  
Blogger Brillig said...

Wow, what an awesome blog. You sir have an awesome blog. I too have an awesome blog or not. Boy, you sure are a card. I even appreciate your sporadic use of comas, and endearing misspellings. Well, I have to run (got other blogs to check out) I’ll bee reading your stuff tomorrow for at least 15-20 minutes. Keep up the mediocre work. ; ) winky smiley

3:48 PM  
Anonymous adrian said...

The whole " Lets be Friends" thing has nothing to do with making it easier for you, its a way of easing her guilt.

The tough part is realising that you both are in different places and need to let go so you can move forward.

10:40 PM  
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