I hope we can still be friends
It's amazing. I could've almost written the speech for her. I knew what was coming; for the most part.
Right up to the traditional "still be friends line."
Only she spun it a little bit differently.
"I really like having you as my friend. And don't want that to end."
Some flattery to soften the blow. Tell me that I am special to her, to make the pain of rejection a little lest severe.
Three months. THREE MONTHS of shit and a one-sided love affair and she expects me to just smile and pretend that everything is ok.
So she doesn't have to feel so guilty? Is that it?
Is that why they do that?
As if we want some kind of consolation prize?
How can someone be so insensitive as to use a line so trite and cliche'?
You know perfectly well, we cannot be friends!
We don't want to be friends. We want to be lovers. We want you to give to us what we have so willingly handed over.
To go back to being friends is IMPOSSIBLE.
Once you cross that line, there is no turning back. There is no return.
I have to heal. I'm hurt. I'm hurt in ways I never knew were possible.
My whole world has collapsed.
There is no more sunshine.
The last thing I can possibly handle right now is her presence. I cannot even think about her without panic passing over me.
We were never just friends. I wanted her. I always wanted her. I can still remember the first time I saw her. I had to have her. I didn't know why. Instinct. I had to be with her. I was never interested in just being friends. I always wanted more. We were never just friends.
How selfish. How selfish to ask that someone who has given you so much and asked for nothing in return, be willing to lay his heart aside and pretend to not be broken up inside, just so you can have what you desire. Or so you can feel better about yourself.
Not every relationship was meant to last forever. Every one of them is a gamble. But when they are over, they are over. We tried. It failed. There is no blame. It isn't anyone's fault. It simply didn't work out. Why can't that be the end of it?
It pains me to think I will never again enjoy a smoothie, a sandwich or fall asleep watching a movie with her. But I have to get over her. I can't just wait for one of us to move away or something rediculous such as that. It hurts too much. I respect myself too much.
I remember my response. I told her "we can't always get what we want."
Inside I was screaming "are you insane?" I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to shout and scream and cry. But what good would have come of it? None.
She wanted to avoid drama. I spared her the drama.
It was a very diplomatic breakup.
Now I am left with nothing but a permanent reminder, splayed across the west wall of my living room.