Saturday, September 10, 2005

Here's Something I Wrote pt. 2

There is nothing so frustrating as early feelings. It is supposed to be an exciting, passionate time, full of flirting and teasing. But there is much more to it. The stories fail to remind you of the fear, the indecision, the wondering, wanting.

Doubt.
How closely do you study her?
Searching for hints.
Searching for sings.
Am I seeing things that aren’t really there?
What if I’m misreading the signs?
What if I am too obvious? Am I coming on too strong?
What is she thinking? Is she afraid? Nervous?
Is she anticipating?
I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate. I can’t make a move.
Too risky.
Think of the repercussions.

How will she respond? How will I respond?
Am I not so transparent? How can that be? I’m throwing myself at her!
With each passing day; window; it seems to be closing.
There comes a point in every one-sided love affair when you pass beyond the point of actions.
Paralyzed.
That cannot be. How could she give up so quickly?
But it seems the case. I should have said something tonight. I should have. Why didn’t I?
Because its risky.
Too many variables. What will people say?
Will I bee looked the fool?
Epictetus would say “so what?”
I say it is more complicated than that. There was a critical aspect of his philosophy.
Improve.
If I try and fail, did I improve?
How foolish.
How foolish to find yourself in this state.
Why now?!
Why all of a sudden does it come to this?
Why must it always be like this?
Same situation, just a new girl.
Same awkward wants and behavior.
Find a distraction.
Find a solution.
Find someone else!


Just be mine.

3 Comments:

Blogger Brillig said...

Stalker

9:54 AM  
Blogger Mad Mike said...

Your a psychologist right? Have you've been reading what you wright? You'll never find happiness until you stop over analyzing everything. It's a new girl enjoy the new beginnings before your fears ruin it for your penis.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Droz said...

Hey man. I know that's an old post, but I stumbled onto your site fro defi radio. Alot of my relationships in the past started off exactly like everything you just typed. I literally went through those exact emotions, and I'd always wonder if I was over analyzing everything and turning such a small thing into a huge one in my mind, while trying my best to act like nothing of that was really affecting me.

After so much of that bullshit I ended up desensitizing myself to relationships in general. I honestly don't think I can ever fall in love again.

10:18 AM  

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